"LOL! GOTY"

Final Fight: Streetwise, according to general word-of-mouth and about 90% of game reviews, sucks, doomed to be sub-$20 GameStop tradein fodder. However, HOWEVER, Streetwise is the best game so far in 2006, and I'll show you why.

Final Fight Streetwise misconception: beat 'em up games are simplistic and stupid
Final Fight Streetwise truth: have you ever tried to beat Double Dragon? You have to have a degree from MIT for it

The "beat up thugs" genre disappeared pretty much when polygons became the main thing in vidjuh games, despite their popularity. Streets of Rage and Golden Axe were about the sweetest looking games of their and got the commercial air time in the "BUY A GENESIS SUCKER" era, and Double Dragon was the NES stuff of legends (see: The Wizard). And when the SNES came out, Final Fight was one of the big hardware showcase games, what with Nintendo Power's "INSIDE: Look at the size of these motherfucking sprites! YOW!" And, hell, the gamers loved to play them. They were fun to play! Partially because of the basic fundamental of being a challenge, as this sort of game is 100% hands-on, unlike whatever dicerolling the-spider-hits-you-for-ten-damage anime faggotry that Famitsu is giving 38/40 this week, and also partially because you get to beat up hundreds of people with pipes and knives.

Final Fight Streetwise misconception: All of the art is brown and taken from Fight Club
Final Fight Streetwise truth: Redheaded Schoolgirls in Little Tokyo assault you with ninja swords, until Little Tokyo explodes

Streetwise is the EXACT SAME CONCEPT; beat up hundreds of god damned thugs and save your girlfriend (Cody). It is NOT a Fight Club-inspired "earn respect in da hood GROVE STREET FOOL" whateverthefuck like it was marketed as. It's a new beat 'em up in non-sprite form, which I don't really remember existing past early-gen 32bit stuff like, Fighting Force and Die Hard (I never played those, and Dynasty Warriors doesn't count, because it has stats). There's also some meganerd Street Fighter universe fan service and injokes, and also some great music and even Final Fight 1 remixes, thus sealing the deal on a fantastic portion of entertainment value. It's not all god damned Linkin Park! Reference: mismarketing earlier in this paragraph.


Final Fight Streetwise misconception: You raise your RESPECT points for a valid purpose!
Final Fight Streetwise truth: Stabbing women has no consequence other than comedy

In the twenty-first century, the popularity of a game seems to be closely tied to how much of a timesink it is. I have a magazine somewhere that reviews about ten RPGs in a single issue, with the lowest rated one, described as being pretty average and dull, getting an 8 (whereas an "average" or "dull" game in any other genre would get a 5, tops). Even my own gangster hideout, Planet GameCube, has a score category for "Lastability." Because dragging a game out makes it better, apparently. Why get good at a game when you can just level up a bit more? You can do this in Castlevania now. Castlevania! Today, in the war-torn wasteland of 2006, all anybody can really brag about is "getting 100%" or getting level 999.

Final Fight Streetwise misconception: It has bad camera angles
Final Fight Streetwise truth: No, complaining about camera angles is filler in all reviews for games that don't buy ad space, Metal Gear: 10/10

We are encouraged by game designers and magazine publishers to be proud of investing time, rather than gaining/having skill, like when we beat a game fifty thousand times to get "unlocks" or rate RPG games on a scale of 8-10. We are also encouraged to favor the "length" of a game far too much, as opposed to the actual quality and entertainment of that length. This can be seen in pretty much every Phoenix Wright: Ace Attourney review; it's a genius, borderline revolutionary game that every single person should play, and any review worth its salt says this, but invariably there is always a disclaimer on the end that says it's "not replayable." Like it's a glaring flaw, or something. It's like calling Citizen Kane un-re-watchable, because you know what happens. And it's the same every time! This mindset is a weird double-standard for video games to have as entertainment, and it's cursed us with a sub-par GTA sequel and generic RPGs/MMOs/"grinding" games in general (which I still hate, despite rumors to the contrary).

Final Fight Streetwise misconception: there is as much Linkin Park music in the game as there is on the site
Final Fight Streetwise fact: Final Fight 1 remixes and thug rave

There are few things I enjoy more than discrediting articles and reviews from professional gaming publications (when I actually read them). Now, partake in these fine Streetwise review excerpts.

From gamesradar: "Not that you’ll be able to see what’s happening most of the time, as the camera struggles to keep up with the action even in wide-open areas. Get Kyle into a fight in a hallway or small room, and you’re basically just mashing the buttons and praying you connect with your enemies." The truth is, you can angle the camera yourself, like in every single game ever made, and even invert the controls and mess with the sensitivity. Or you can just see in every direction at once, by using your omnipotent all-seeing eye, like in a Van Gogh painting. The review goes on to say "The fighting system isn’t all that bad, though. It can be really difficult to actually hit your target, but the simple, three-button attack combos get progressively more intricate and useful as you move through the game. In that respect, at least, it really captures the feel of the original arcade title." So, basically, the reviewer says it's a pretty solid beat 'em up, he just doesn't like the aesthetics (AND THE CAMERA LOL) so much so he gives it a 3/10. It makes perfect sense, if you are insane.

IGN says the same thing when it's not taking review space to talk about "What kind of a name is Metro City? LOL": "So while a decent fighting system may exist, it's lost in the myriad flaws this game possesses." Flaws like the camera, of course.

GameSpot: "A passable fighting engine" and "Streetwise has your typical you-against-an-army encounters -- complete with weapons, combos, and conveniently dropped food items that you're all too eager to eat (who says the ghetto is dirty?). Either lock onto one specific thug, or just swing away at the entire posse. Throughout the game, you'll earn new moves and update your attributes. The good news is the general combat is probably the best part of Final Fight Streetwise." They complain about there not being a map and some shit, so 2/5.

There are some positive reviews out there, like this one; notice how it spent about four paragraphs talking about the gameplay, rather than one. As if the reviewer played it for a signifigant amount of time, or something! It got a decent score from Official XBox Magazine (U.K.) too, 7.5/10. Not to be confused with Official XBox Magazine (U.S.), from which it got 3.5/10. Ahahahahahah!

Final Fight Streetwise misconception: Poison is in it
Final Fight Streetwise truth: Belger is in it

Because the press would happily have you believe it sucks because of the camera alone, Capcom's PR would have you believe it's Fight Club from the shitty screens they release, and internet forum posts would have you believe it's hot Poison-on-Cammy hentai, the reality of Streetwise remains a goddamn mystery to all but those who have played it. I'll provide a summary of the game, since you're probably not going to buy it anyway, but then you'll want to and then you'll get mad at me for spoiling the crazy goddamn ending.

Part one: Cody yells at you a lot because you're in the Fight Club! Punch the shit out of a sassy guy to win! Never go back to the Fight Club again! Punch out some thugs! Then go to the bar and fight the mob side by side with CODY! Marion Cody gets kidnapped!

Part two: Punch out some thugs! THIS. And then you fight that guy on a forklift. I punched out one of his fat henchmen and he dropped a hamburger.

Part three: fight some thug ass gangsters and mob goons! Fight a thug ass gangster boss TO TECHNO MUSIC!

Part four: Enjoy a Final Fight remix song as you get psyched up for meeting Mike Haggar! Meet Mike Haggar! Learn how to dropkick guys from Mike Haggar! Fight side by side with Mike Haggar!

Part five: Get your head smashed by the cash register of Guy's personal tattoo artist! Fight ninjas and a screaming tattoo artist! He screams, "wooooooo!" Meet Guy! Bonus: fight Cammy! LITTLE TOKYO EXPLODES, KYLE AND GUY ARE THROWN FROM AN EXPLOSION BUDDY-MOVIE STYLE.

Part six: Work for the mob! Beat up the mob! And Andore! He's back! The mob guy dies! The strange preacher guy is behind the drugs spreading throughout Metro City! Exclamation points! FIGHT BLADES, THE KNIFEY GUY THAT LICKS FACES AND BACKFLIPS.

Part seven: find a new and exciting door to slam the Weasel's head in! It's even funnier the second time, since it's a big garage door.

Part eight: fight the undead, mutant version of the thug ass gangster from part three!

Part nine: Metro City catches on fire and riots and drugged up supermen! Fight side by side with Two-P! The game essentially turns into Zombie Revenge at this point.

Part ten: Things get fucked up beyond words as you fight giant mutant versions of major characters (each as a horseman of the apocalypse), leading up to the final boss battle... you, versus the tag team of FATHER BELGER and DEATH CODY. Bet you didn't see that one coming! In a related note, none of the other reviews I've read mention story past the first hour of the game.

Despite what the brown screenshots of underground boxing rings would have you believe, Streetwise is completely fucking insane. There are a couple of interludes, like destroying cars (yes!), stomping critters to SKA music, and slamming the Weasel's head in a door. Each of these are hilarious, albeit extremely short breaks from punching out hundreds of thugs. They were almost as funny as when I stabbed that helpless woman and I lost five rep points. I think. Rep points actually don't do anything. I imagine it was another attempt to include STATS++++ into another action game that didn't need it, and they gave up halfway. Lucky us!

The decoded versions of the game reviews and I agree; Streetwise has great gameplay, or at least pretty good gameplay. We're also in agreement that either the game reviewers are too retarded to know where the enemies are or that they don't know how to use a camera to see them. The storyline is dramatic and hilarious, especially if you remember who Two-P is at ALL (the goofy looking enemy with the orange cape). If you like video games, I mean, like, good, old fashioned video games, and maybe yelling "OH! MY CAR", then forget what you know about preconceptions, quit believing people who write game reviews, and fucking drink the Kool-Aid, because everything you know is a goddamn lie.

OVERALL SCORE 11/10